The Dark Side

After Sherrie's funeral we went to eat at one of our favorite restaurants.  While we were waiting for our meal to be served I excused myself, went outside to a secluded spot, and wept bitterly.  I can not describe the emptiness I felt at that moment, but I was sure that the pain could not get any worse.  I was wrong.  About a month after Sherrie's death the bottom fell out and I plunged into a deep abyss of pain.  The following are excerpts from my journal during the last weeks of November 2017.
"I am sad, alone, abandoned, extremely depressed, hopeless, lonely, and desperate.  I am at the point of panic."  "I prayed to God and asked him to let his will be done.  I am afraid of his will.  I am having a hard time trusting his will.  I am struggling to believe that God will work this out for good.  I seem to view God as a 'no' God."  "I hate being alone.  I hate not having Sherrie.  I want to die.  Keep asking why, why, why??  When is God going to heal me?  Nothing Helps."  "I am MAD TODAY!!! I am mad at God.  Why did he take my wife away!!! I am weak emotionally, I am not strong enough to handle this pain!!! Write, write, write, what good does it do??  I still am in pain, my wife is not coming back . . . all this stuff means absolutely nothing!  'I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest, but only turmoil.' Job 3:26". "A piece of my world is missing . . . now my world is disrupted and I don't really feel at home anymore.  Home isn't a place, home is relationships with those you love.  Now that Sherrie is gone a piece of my life is missing and I don't want to be here anymore.  I want to go to my eternal home where I will never lose anyone again."  "I am so tired of feeling pain throughout the day.  I am so tired of one painful memory after another being stirred up.  I hate being alone.  I am angry and reaching the end of my rope!!"  "I went to visit Sherrie's gravesite.  I told her I will be glad when I can lay down beside her because I miss her and I am lonely without her."  "I woke up mad today.  I realized that I am starting over.  I am alone, I have a void in my life . . . I feel out of place and my heart aches for Sherrie.  I feel abandoned and I feel afraid of the future.  I walk in fear every day . . ."  These journal entries do not adequately describe the pain I was in.  I wanted to die, I prayed to die.  I felt as if someone had reached inside me and tore a big piece out of me.  The emptiness, the darkness, the sadness was so deep I was afraid I would not recover.  I was afraid this deep pain was going to be with me the rest of my life.  I questioned God, did he care, was he there, did he see my pain?  I felt as though I had descended into hell.  I did not realize at the time that during these darkest moments of my grief God had started me on the journey to my healing.